LETTERS OF MEPHIBOSHETH STEPSURE                                                          Thomas McCulloch           (1176-1843)

To the Editors of The Acadian Recorder 1821-22

Letter 1 Gentlemen: Happening one day to call upon Parson Drone, the clergyman of our town, I found him administering his old, standard consolation to my neighbor Solomon Gosling. The parson has been long among us, and is a very good sort of man; but, I believe, he has fared very hardly: for though my townsmen all respect him, and are the most active people in the world at selling watches and swapping horses, they have never made themselves richer and, therefore, have little to give but good wishes. But the parson, except when he is angry, is a very good-natured and disposed to bear with a great deal; and, having acquired a large fund of patience himself, he has become a quack at comforting, and prescribes it indiscriminately for all sorts of ills. His own life has been spent between starving and preaching; and having no resources himself, it never occurred to him that, for the wants and troubles of other, there can be any remedy but patience.
                My neighbor Gosling is completely an every-day character. His exact likeness may be found at any time, in any part of the Province. About thirty years ago, his father David left him very well to do; and Solomon, who at that time was a brisk young man, had the prospect, by using a little industry, of living as comfortably as any in the town. Soon after the death of old David, he was married and a lifelier couple were not often to be seen. But unluckily for them both, when Solomon went to Halifax in the winter, Polly went along with him to sell her turkeys and see the fashions; and from that day the Goslings had never a day to do well. Solomon was never very fond of hard work. At the same time he could not be accused of idleness. He was always a very good neighbor; and at every burial or barn raising, Solomon was set down as one who would be sure to be there. By these means he gradually contracted the habit of running about; which left his own premises in an unpromising plight. Polly, too, by seeing the fashions, had learnt to be genteel; and for the sake of a little show, both lessened the thrift of the family, and added to the outlay; so that, between one thing and another, Solomon began to be hampered, and had more calls than comforters.
                When the troubles of life arise out of idleness, a return to industry is usually the last shift. The habits which my neighbor had been gradually contracting, left him little stomach for the patient and perservering toils of a farming life: nor would urgent necessity permit him to wait for the sure but slow returns of agricultural exertion. But necessity is the mother of invention; and though the family of Goslings were never much noted for profundity of intellect, Solomon, by pure dint of scheming, contrived both to relieve himself from his immediate embarrassments and to avoid hard labour. Though Goose Hill farm, from want to industry, had not been productive, it was still a property of considerable value: and it occurred to Solomon, that, converted into goods, it would yield more prompt and lucrative returns than by any mode of agriculture. Full of the idea, accordingly, my neighbor went to town; and mortgaging his property to Calibogues, the West India merchant, he returned with a general assortment of merchandise, suited to the wants of the town. When I say a general assortment, it is necessary to be a little more explicit. It did not contain any of those articles which are employed in subduing the forest, or in cultivating the soil. These he knew to be not very saleable. He was aware that though old Tubal Thump supplies the whole town with iron work, he is so miserably poor, that he can scarcely keep himself in materials. The only article of the iron kind which he brought was a hogshead of horse shoes, which a blacksmith in Aberdeen, who knew something of America, had sent out upon speculation. From the number of horses and young people in the township, Solomon knew that horse shoes would meet with a ready sale.
                When a merchant lays in his goods he naturally consults the taste of his customers. Solomon’s, accordingly, consisted chiefly of West India produce, gin, brandy, tobacco, and a few chests of tea. For the youngsters, he had provided an assortment of superfine broad cloths and fancy muslins, ready-made boots, whips, spurs and a great variety of gumflowers and other articles which come under the general denomination of notions. In addition to all these, and what Solomon considered as not the least valuable part of his stock, he had bought from Pendulum Co. a whole box of old watches elegantly ornamented with lacquered brass chains and glass seals; little inferior in appearance to gold and Cairngorms.
                When all these things were arranged, they had a very pretty appearance. For a number of weeks, little was talked of but Mr. Gosling’s Store; for such he had, now become by becoming a merchant. Little was to be seen but my neighbours riding thither to buy, and returning with bargains. During the course of the day, long lines of horses, fastened to every accessible post of the fences, rendered an entrance to his house almost impracticable. By these means, the general appearance of the town soon underwent a complete revolution. Homespun and homely fare were to be found only with a few hard-fisted old folks, whose ideas could never rise above labour and saving. The rest appeared so neat and genteel upon Sundays, that even the Reverend Mr. Drone, though I did not see that his flock had enabled him to exchange his own habiliments for Mr. Gosling’s superfine, expressed his satisfaction by his complacent looks.
                Mr. Gosling, too, had in reality considerably improved his circumstances. The greater part of my neighbours being already in debt to old Ledger and other traders about; and considering that if they took their money to these, it would only go to their credit, carried it to Mr. Gosling’s Store; so that by these means he was soon able to clear off a number of his old encumbrances, and to carry to market as much cash as established his credit.
                Among traders punctuality of payment begets confidence in the setter; and the credit which this affords to the purchaser, is generally followed by an enlargement of orders. My neighbour returned with a much greater supply; and here hiss reverses commenced. Credit could not be refused to good customers who had brought their money to the store. Those, also, who formerly showed their good will by bringing their cash, proved their present cordiality by taking large credits. But when the time for returning to the market for supplies arrived, Mr. Gosling had nothing to take thither but his books. These, it is true, had an imposing appearance. They contained debts to a large amount; and my neighbour assured his creditors that, when they were collected, he would be able to pay them all honourably, and have a large reversion to himself. But, when his accounts were made out, many young men who owed him large sums, had gone to Passamaquoddy. Of those who remained, the greater part had mortgaged their farms to Mr. Ledger and the other old traders; and now carried their ready money to Jerry Gawpus, who had just commenced trader by selling his farm. In short, nothing remained for Mr. Gosling but the bodies or labours of his debtors; and these last they all declared themselves very willing to give.
                About this time it happened that vessels were giving a great price; and it naturally occurred to my neighbour that, by the labour which he could command, he might build a couple.  These, accordingly, were put upon the stocks.  But labour in payment of debt, goes on heavily; and besides, when vessels were giving two prices, nobody would work without double wages; so that the vessels, like the ark saw many summers and winters.  In the meantime peace came, and those who owned vessels were glad to get rid of them at any price.  But dint of perseverance, however, Mr. Gosling’s were finished; but they had scarcely touched the water, when they were attached by Mr. Hemp, who at the same time declared that, when they are sold, he would lose fifty per cent upon his account for the rigging.  Such was my neighbours case when happening, as I have already mentioned, to step into Parson Drone’s, I found that Mr.  Gosling had been telling his ailments, and was receiving the reverend old gentleman’s ordinary clerical consolation.  “What can’t be cured must be endured; let us have patience.”

                “I’ll tell you what it is, parson,” replied my neighbour, “patience may do well enough for those who have plenty; but it won’t do for me.  Calibogues has foreclosed the mortgage; my vessels are attached; and my books are of no more value than a rotten pumpkin.  After struggling hard to supply the country with goods, and to bring up a family so as to able a credit to the town, the country has brought us to ruin.  I won’t submit to it.  I won’t see my son Rehoboam, poor fellow, working like a slave upon the roads, with his coat turned into a jacket and the elbows clouted with the tails.  My girls were not sent to Mrs. Cackle’s boarding school to lean to scrub floors.  The truth is, and produce give nothing.  It is fit only for Indians, and emigrants from Scotland, who were starving at home.  It is time for me to go elsewhere, and carry my family to a place that presents better prospects to young folks.”

In the reply, the parson was beginning to exhort Mr. Gosling to beware of the murmurings of the wicked; when Jack Catchpole, the constable, stepped in to say that the sheriff would be glad to speak with Mr. Gosling at the door.  Our sheriff is a very hospitable gentleman; and, when any of his neighbours are in hardship, he will call upon them, and even insist upon their making his house their home.  Nor did I ever know any shy folks getting off with an excuse.  As it occurred to me, therefore, that Mr. Gosling might not come back for the parson’s admonition, I returned home; and soon learned that my neighbour had really gone elsewhere, and made a settlement in the very place where Sampson turned miller.  This event has not added much to the respectability of the Goslings; nor is it calculated to brighten their prospects.  My neighbours children are as fine a young family as any in the town; but it unavoidably happened that the apparent prosperity of their father introduced among them habits, not very friendly to regular industry and saving.  Hob Gosling, the eldest son, is really a smart young fellow; and in haying time or harvest, he can do more work in a day than any three laborers.  But hard work required recreation; and when a young man does anything uncommon, he wished to receive credit for it among his neighbours.  Accordingly, it would sometimes happen that it would take Hob a week to tell about the exertions of a day.  He would also occasionally recreate himself by riding races, or playing a game at cards when he was drinking a glass of grog with other youngsters over Mr. Tipple’s counter; and by these means, though Hob is not a quarrelsome young man, his name was frequently called over in court in assault and battery cases.  This, it is true, was not without its advantages.  Hob acquired great knowledge of the law, and the character of being a cute young man.  But I am inclined to think that the gain ended here; for I remember that after one or two of these causes were tried, a few acres of Mr.  Gosling’s best marsh passed into the hands of Saunders Scantocreesh, a hard-faced, hard- working Scotchman, who, a few years ago, came among us with his stockings and shoes suspended from a stick over his shoulder, but now possesses one of the best farms in the town. 

                My neighbor’s daughters, too, are very agreeable young ladies.  Everybody allows that Mrs.  M’Cackle has done justice to their education.  For painting flowers and playing upon the pianoforte, they have a few equals.  Some of my neighbours, indeed, used to complain that, when Mr. Gosling asked them to dinner, the meat was always ill- cooked, and the puddings and pies mere dough; but the reason was that neither Mrs.  Gosling no the young ladies could get the black wench to do as she was bidden, unless they were always at her heels. 

                But this was not the only hardship which my neighbour suffered by the elegant accomplishments of the young ladies.  To be genteel in the country, is attended with difficulties and losses of which you townsfolk’s can have no conception.  Moring visits in the afternoon, dressings and other things, interrupted so frequently with rural industry, that great show and sad accidents are usually combined.  I recollect when Jacob Ribs married his fourth wide, Mr. and Mrs.  Gosling was invited to the wedding; and as it happened to be on churching day they young ladies were left to look after the butter- making.  But, when the chaise which carried the old folks to the marriage returned, it occurred to the young ladies, that, before proceeding to domestic toil, they would have plenty of time to return Miss Trotabout’s last morning visit; and off they set, leaving directions with the black girl to have the churn before the fire by the time they returned.  During their absence, it unfortunately happened that the wench descried one of her black cronies passing; and, running down the lane to enjoy a little talk, left the kitchen door open, when Mr. Gosling’s boar pig Mammoth, who was always a mischievous brute, finding a clear passage, entered without ceremony and upset the churn.  My neighbor’s kitchen was immediately converted into the country of the Gadarenes.  To guzzle up the contents, was but the work of a moment.  The succeeding scarcity, also aroused that inquisitive disposition for which swine, as well as ladies, are noted; when one of the vile animals, perceiving something in the churn as it lay upon its side, thrust in its snout ot examine.  In this state of things, the black wench, having descried the young ladies at a distance, returned to her post.  Vengeance succeeded amazement; and the first object of it, and apparently the most guilty, was the individual whose fore-quarters had already passed form observation.  Now, it so happened that no way has yet been invented to drive a pig straight forward, but to pull it by the tail.  As soon, therefore, as it found itself assaulted behind, the young ladies returned to make butter, it was rolling around the floor, to the utter dismay of the girl, and complete discomfiture of the who9le herd of swine.  From such trials as these, you townsfolk’s, who have nothing else to do but be genteel, are altogether exempted. 

After Mr. Gosling’s unfortunate confinement, I went to call upon his family, imagining that the countenance of an acquaintance would help to soothe and keep up their spirits.  Parson Drone, too, had prepared a long disclose upon patience, and was come to deliver it.  But we found them all very cheerful; and the parson unwilling to lose his labour, made his visit short and carried his discourse to old Caleb Staggers, whose mare had just died of the botts.  Mr. Gosling’s confinement they considered merely as a temporary inconvenience, arising from the spite of his creditors.  But when his debts were called in, he would pay everybody; and the whole family agreed that, then, with the rest of his property, they would go to a country better with the living in.  I found among them, however, a diversity of opinion about where this should be.  Mrs.  Gosling spoke of the Ohio; but Mr. Rehoboam declared that it was a new country, without roads; where a young man could not lay a leg over a saddle form the one year’s end to the other.  Miss Dinah preferred the Cape of Good Hope, but she was afraid of the Caffres, who sometimes carry off white women.  To elope with a lord of a duke, she observed, would be a very pretty incident, but should any person every write a novel about the Goslings, to be carried off by a Hottentot would appear to droll.  Upon the whole, they seemed to think the opinion of Miss Fanny mast feasible; that it would be best to go to Botany Nay, where every genteel family like the Goslings, receives so many white niggers, sent out every year from Britain by Government from the supply of the colony. 

                As your warriors for your winter have not yet opened their campaign, I hope you will find room in your paper for the preceding account of my neighbour and his family.  It will not, I know, be very interesting to your readers in general; for they have all seen the like, and heard the like a hundred times before; and as it is no fable but a true story they will not be able to deduce from it any sage moral for their own direction in life.  Yet its insertion will oblige a great many of your readers.  By looking over the list of your subscribers, you will see that the Gosling family has extensive connection in every part of the province and in every kind of occupation; and I am sure it wills gratify them all to hear how their relation Mr. Solomon is getting on.  Should you oblige them, and myself thus far, I may be induced to sent you, at some future period, the sequel of my neighbours trading career. 

Mr. Soakem, The Tavern- Keeper               FROM LETTER THREE

Another of the sheriff’s lodgers is Mr.  Soakem, the tavern- keeper.  Like the rest of us, he began the world by settling upon a farm.  At first, he was a hardworking man, and soon made himself comfortable.  But he was very eager to be rich, and he would frequently compare his hard labour with his little gains, as he called them.  At last, one day, passing Mr. Tipple’s and observing the great number of horses which were fastened to the fence, it occurred to him that a large proportion of the township passe